The dating app landscape has changed dramatically in recent years. Anyone who regularly uses apps like Romeo will have noticed it: the number of profiles identifying as bisexual has risen exponentially in recent years. On some days, it seems as if gay men are in the minority, while bi men are beginning to dominate the app. But what is behind this phenomenon? Is it a real shift in the population's sexual orientation, or are there other, deeper reasons for this development?
The reality of dating apps today
Anyone active on the common gay dating apps cannot ignore this observation. Romeo, Grindr, and similar platforms are full of profiles whose users identify as bisexual. That in itself is not a problem - bisexuality is a legitimate sexual orientation, and bisexual people have just as much right to use these apps as gay or other users. But the sheer number and the way many of these profiles present themselves raises questions.
The question many gay users ask themselves is: are all these men really bisexual? Or are they using the label of bisexuality for other reasons? This question is not easy to answer, because it touches on deep social, cultural, and personal aspects of human sexuality.
Cultural and family backgrounds
A key factor contributing to the increase of bi men on dating apps is migration and the cultural differences associated with it. Many men who present themselves as bisexual in Germany come from cultural backgrounds in which homosexuality is heavily stigmatized or even criminalized. In their families of origin, they would be ostracized, cast out, or even put at risk if they were seen as gay.
For these men, bisexuality is often a kind of compromise - a way to live out their homosexual inclinations without having to fully identify as homosexual. They can argue to themselves, or possibly even to their families, that they are bisexual, that they could also love women, that it is just a phase, or that they are not really gay. This gives them psychological security and a way out of the shame associated with homosexuality in their cultures.
These men use dating apps to satisfy their homosexual needs, but they do so under the shield of bisexuality. They can claim to themselves and others that they are not really gay, that it is just a side effect, that they might still choose a woman. This is a psychological defense mechanism that allows them to live out their sexuality without having to bear the cultural and family consequences that would come with fully identifying as gay.
But just because they present themselves here as bi does not mean that in their behavior they are so uninhibited that their ideas of gay sex are anything like ours.
Fewer chances with women
Another important factor is the reality of the heterosexual dating scene. Many men, especially those with a migrant background, have fewer chances in the heterosexual dating market. This can be the case for various reasons: language barriers, cultural differences, discrimination, or simply the fact that they do not match the beauty ideal that prevails in Western society.
For these men, gay dating apps can be a more attractive alternative. On these apps, they can make connections and have sexual experiences more easily than would be possible for them with women. They present themselves as bisexual because this allows them to maintain to themselves that they are not really gay, that they are simply taking the opportunity available to them. But in reality, they are on these apps because they are more successful here than on heterosexual dating platforms.
The question of genuine bisexuality
This leads to an uncomfortable question: are these men really bisexual? Or are they using the label of bisexuality to hide or deny their homosexuality?
The answer is complex. Bisexuality is a spectrum, and there are many different ways of being bisexual. Some people are genuinely equally attracted to men and women. Others are primarily attracted to one gender but also feel attraction to the other. Still others experience their bisexuality as situational or context-dependent.
For many of the men who present themselves as bisexual on gay dating apps, the reality is probably that they do not fully understand themselves or do not want to. They may have genuine bisexual tendencies, but these are often overshadowed by denial, shame, and cultural conflict. They may also be primarily homosexual but unable to identify themselves as gay because that brings too much fear and pain.
The phenomenon of substitute sexuality
One particularly interesting phenomenon is what could be described as "substitute sexuality." Many of these bi men seem to have sex with men not because they are truly attracted to men, but because it is a way to satisfy their sexual needs when women are unavailable to them or when they are not attracted to women.
This leads to a kind of sex that is often unsatisfying - both for the bi men themselves and for the gay men they meet. It is sex without real passion, without real connection, without real desire. It is sex that happens out of necessity, not out of lust.
Fathers with families and hidden homosexuality
Another important aspect of this phenomenon is fathers with families who have to hide their homosexual side but cannot let go of it. These men are often married or in long-term relationships with women, have children, and have built an entire life based on the assumption that they are heterosexual.
But they cannot ignore their homosexual inclinations. They need sexual contact with men to satisfy their needs. For these men, gay dating apps are a way to live out their homosexuality without destroying their entire lives. They present themselves as bisexual because this allows them to justify their activities - they do not see themselves as really gay, they are just bisexual, they are not really being unfaithful, they are only fulfilling a need their wives cannot meet.
These men place great value on anonymity and discretion. They do not want to be recognized, they do not want their families to find out about their activities, they do not want their identity revealed. They use the apps to arrange quick, discreet meetups where they can satisfy their sexual needs without asking questions or forming emotional bonds. These are patterns of behavior that are completely alien to gay men who live in open relationships, where it is an expression of "faithfulness" that occasional sex with others is known to the partner.
Personal experiences and frustrations
The reality of this situation becomes clear when looking at the personal experiences of gay men who come into contact with these bi men. Many report frustrations and dissatisfaction arising from the way these men have sex.
One common pattern is that these bi men do not want to kiss. Kissing is an intimate act that implies an emotional connection. For many of these men, that is too much - they want sex, but they do not want the emotional closeness associated with kissing. This is often a sign that they do not really accept themselves as gay, that they are trying to minimize intimacy in order to protect themselves.
Another common pattern is a lack of desire for the partner's body. These bi men often do not seem genuinely interested in their partner - they are not interested in exploring his body, touching him, enjoying him. They are often only interested in their own satisfaction. This suggests that they are not really attracted to men, that they simply want to satisfy their sexual needs without feeling real desire or lust.
A third pattern is a lack of attention to the partner's dick. Many of these bi men only want to receive a blowjob or to penetrate anally, but they do not want to touch their partner's penis or take it into their mouth. This is another sign that they are not really attracted to men, that they are trying to minimize their homosexuality by only performing the acts that allow them to see themselves as active and masculine. This is especially noticeable, by the way, among migrants, who mostly hold religious beliefs according to which a dick - if it is not their own - is considered unclean. In this mindset, you do not touch dicks, you fuck actively because - to put it brutally, the way this reality is brutal - because you cannot find any other hole. At the same time, though, a man who lets himself get fucked in the ass is despised. Not a good basis for good sex.
The frequency of unsatisfying encounters
Many gay men report that most of their attempts at contact with these bi men are unsatisfying. They meet up, and there is little chemistry, little desire, little connection. The sex is often mechanical, unsatisfying, sometimes even frustrating. And often the sex is even broken off by the bi men themselves - with the guilt complex of cheating on wife and children or the repressive religious rejection in their minds, they cannot reach orgasm.
This is a sign that these men are not really interested in sex with men. They are here because they have to be, not because they want to be. They are here because their needs cannot be met elsewhere, not because they feel genuine desire for men. That is frustrating for both sides - for the bi men, who cannot accept themselves, and for the gay men, who hope to find real connections.
The psychological effects
This situation has deep psychological effects on everyone involved. For the bi men themselves, it is a constant struggle between their needs and their identity, between their sexuality and their culture, between their truth and their lies. They live in a state of denial and confusion, which leads to fear, shame, and dissatisfaction.
For the gay men who come into contact with these bi men, it is frustrating and sometimes hurtful. They hope for real connections, real desire, real intimacy, but instead they encounter men who are not really present, who are not really interested, who are not really themselves. This can lead to feelings of rejection, dissatisfaction, and frustration.
Cultural differences and integration
Once again, back to the question of cultural integration. Many of the self-declared bi men come from cultures in which homosexuality is heavily stigmatized. They have come to countries like Germany, where homosexuality is legal and broadly accepted in society, but they cannot simply discard their cultural and family values.
They are trapped in a state between two worlds - they cannot fully accept their homosexuality because it contradicts their cultural values, but they also cannot fully suppress it because their needs are too strong. Bisexuality is a compromise for them, a way to live in both worlds without fully committing to either one.
This is a tragic phenomenon that shows how cultural and religious values can prevent people from accepting themselves and living authentically. It also shows how important it is that societies like Germany not only legalize homosexuality but also create a culture in which people can explore their sexuality freely and without shame. But this also means that we must not sacrifice the acceptance the gay movement fought for for the LGBTQ way of life to a poorly understood compromise.
The role of anonymity
The anonymity that dating apps offer plays an important role in this phenomenon. These apps allow people to hide their identity, obscure their true feelings, conceal their truth. This is helpful for many people - it allows them to explore their sexuality without having to fully reveal themselves to themselves or others.
But this anonymity also has a dark side. It allows people to deceive themselves, deny their truth, deceive others. It allows men to present themselves as bisexual when they may actually be gay. It allows married men to cheat on their wives. It allows people to hurt others without taking responsibility.
