Oral sex is an important part of sexual practice for many gay men — but how important exactly, how has that changed over time, and why do some people find the feeling of having a penis in their mouth so intensely arousing? In this article, I look at historical trends, available findings, and psychological explanations, and offer practical tips for safe, consensual handling.
What do we mean by "oral sex"?
Oral sex mainly includes fellatio (colloquially "blowjobs") and mutual oral practices such as the 69 position. Among gay men, oral sex is often both an expression of desire and of intimacy — it can be a standalone sexual climax or part of a broader play of penetration and tenderness.
Statistics and development over time
Exact figures for oral sex are difficult to pin down because studies vary by region, age group, and era. However, some general trends can be described:
- Before the HIV/AIDS crisis (the 1970s to the very early 1980s), an open, often long-lasting sexual style was common in many parts of the scene; practices such as the 69 position were popular in certain subcultures.
- With the outbreak of the AIDS/HIV crisis in the 1980s, behavior changed significantly: many people reduced anonymous encounters and riskier practices, and risk-reduction campaigns shaped sexual behavior.
- In the 1990s and 2000s, better treatments and later the introduction of PrEP (pre-exposure prophylaxis) again led to greater openness; the exact mix of sexual practices varies by generation and location.
- Since the rise of dating and hookup apps, the pattern of meeting people has changed: more short-term encounters, a stronger emphasis on roles (top/bottom), and more direct preferences in profiles. Some users report that oral sex appears as "extra" on platforms or is less often explicitly sought — but that is highly context-dependent.
Important: the frequency of oral sex has neither clearly increased nor decreased linearly; it is influenced by risk perception, prevention options (testing, PrEP), cultural norms, and the age of respondents.
Why was or is 69 especially popular?
The 69 position combines sexual acts mutually — and with that, intimacy, simultaneity, and giving/receiving in equal measure. Before the AIDS era, such reciprocal practices were an expression of connection and endurance in many groups. During times of crisis, however, precisely this closeness was seen as risky, which affected the popularity of such practices.
Why do many men find oral sex so arousing?
The attraction to oral sex and especially to having a penis in the mouth can be explained from several perspectives — usually several factors work together:
1) Closeness, intimacy, and vulnerability
The mouth is a very intimate, vulnerable area. When someone is willing to get very close in that place, it creates an intense feeling of closeness and trust. Conversely, allowing yourself to take on that role signals a form of surrender that can be erotically charged.
2) Sensory perception
Taste, smell, temperature, and the tactile stimulation of the oral mucosa are sensual stimuli that activate the brain's reward system. The interplay of visual stimulus and oral stimulation can be very powerful.
3) Symbolism and connection
Some people describe the penis as a "connection" — a symbol of physical union or even intimacy from a psychodynamic perspective. The act may therefore be experienced less as a purely physical stimulus and more as a sensual connection.
4) Power, control, and roles
Oral sex can include elements of dominance/submission: giving/receiving creates a clear role division that some people find sexually exciting. This is not always conscious; often it is simply part of the erotic tension.
5) Learning and conditioning
Earlier experiences, porn consumption, social narratives, and repeated positive reinforcement can shape preferences. If someone repeatedly has highly arousing experiences with a specific practice, that practice will more easily trigger arousal in the future.
6) Neurobiology
Sexual arousal is mediated by neurotransmitters such as dopamine and hormones such as oxytocin. Closeness and pleasurable stimulation release these messengers and intensify desire.
Why some people only want oral sex with attractive partners
The author's personal observation — strong desire for oral sex, but only with a sexy, familiar partner — is common and completely normal. Reasons for this can include:
- Aesthetics and attractiveness filter: for many people, the partner's attractiveness is central to arousal.
- Trust and safety: oral contact may be perceived as riskier (keyword STI), so many prefer familiar or seemingly trustworthy partners.
- Emotional bond: intimacy increases arousal; without an emotional connection, arousal is lower.
A direct, strong erection from oral contact alone — as the author describes with pleasure — is a normal response of the autonomic nervous system; the physical response can occur independently of the partner's conscious actions.
Practical tips: safety, communication, and self-acceptance
If oral sex is important to you or strongly arouses you, here are some recommendations:
- Talk openly with partners about preferences, boundaries, and STI status. Clear agreements create more enjoyment and less uncertainty.
- Get regular STI tests (including gonorrhea, chlamydia, syphilis, HPV, and HIV). Oral infections are possible and often cause few or no symptoms.
- PrEP is an effective measure for preventing HIV in people at higher risk; discuss options with a doctor.
- There are protection options for oral practices (e.g. condoms, dental dams), even if they are less common than with anal sex.
- Accept that sexual preferences are part of your personality. As long as they are lived out consensually and safely, there is no reason for shame.
